Swell

My resistance was swelling
held down
my mind is fading now...
I see it happening-
I've been here before.
Before
Before

My resistance was swelling,
(or at least I think it was... maybe it's rage. I'm a little unclear, or maybe unfocused... how did I get here? was it one drink or two and who the hell are you?)

Held down
by alcohol and calloused hands, rage igniting and inciting while his hands are delighting, creeping here... and there.
I'm feeling heavy and tired of fighting.
I'm almost gone- fleeting, flickering, fleeing- a trick I learned the first time...
My mind is fading now...
teetering, shifting, slipping, drifting-
I've found the intense numbing peace of empty thoughts, but soon they
Escape
me.
Spinning, slight swirling, twirling of the room, my eyes are out of focus,
then
Shattered.
I try to find my way back, but something has changed. It's becoming clearer now, and happening too fast-
Penetrating
I see it happening-
something tells me to disappear, but I don't, I can't- she is familiar to me,
ashamed of trusting, while he's lusting and thrusting...
forward

I've been here before.
not here, but here. The room is nicer this time around.
Once upon a time
this child's bed held stuffed animals that offered comfort
now it overflows with his
emerging emissions emitting the casual omission of permission.
Almost like before,
almost.

Before
There was no alcohol...no numbing peace, no
Escape.
just the cold penetration of his eyes,
his cock,
filling me up four times in six hours
not subsiding, but persisting...
the room whirling and twirling
like Van Gogh's Starry Night...
into unconsciousness

Before
I said I would never let it happen again, but here I am watching
with my own eyes this reprise between my thighs
as he whispers "Ohhh. God.", followed by exhausted sighs.
And this time I'm left with a prize, swelling, protruding, projecting.
And I can't help but think, as long as it's still my decision this sweet derision needs revision-
and just like that
Life
was sucked out of me.